Meet our new puppy, Snowy!

Back in July, we brought home our very first little bundle of fur – a white standard poodle puppy named Snowy. We got her from a good breeder and she’s doing well. The breeder is training us (not the dog – us) to train her. We have no idea what we’re doing so we’re very grateful for the guidance. I always loved dogs but didn’t get to have one for an entire half century plus.

Baby Snowy in kitchen

 

A lot of my day consists of researching and writing about various topics that interest me, all of which will be touched on in further posts. Snowy needs a lot of attention and stimulation. Poodles are highly intelligent and active. So I spend more time than I initially want to playing with her. As a classic INFP, I don’t like being interrupted when I work, but if I’m not disturbed I’ll sit and work for hours, which is not good health-wise. No one should stop playing when they’re no longer children. It’s one of the healthiest things adults can do. It strengthens relationships, relieves stress, etc. This is why my husband and I agree that getting Snowy was one of the best things we ever did together.

Whatever Stuff Is On My Mind

I have been trying to figure out why it’s so hard for me to post on this blog (yes, unfortunately I am a perfectionist, now trying not to be). I’ve been working my butt off in therapy, doing inner child work. I’ve been using materials from Sharon Salzberg, one of the best mindfulness meditation teachers around, to cultivate a mindfulness meditation practice. I do yoga at a wonderful studio near me anywhere from 2-4 times per week. I am reading up on all sorts of related topics. Most recently, I finished reading Donna Jackson Nakazawa’s book entitled Childhood Disrupted: How your biography becomes your biology and how you can heal. I picked this up because I had an extremely traumatic childhood and have been in therapy my entire adult life trying to unlock my true soul, which I had to squirrel away even as an infant to satisfy my parent’s narcissistic needs. I have no desire to insult or embarrass them – they really were only doing the best they could, considering their own upbringings, which were far worse than mine in some ways. I hope to write more about it. I’ve even begun to write my life story, and the little I know about my parent’s lives is in the preface.

By reading Nakazawa’s invaluable book, I learned about the Adverse Childhood Experiences Study, in which two physicians created the 10-item Adverse Childhood Experiences Survey (ACEs) and administered it to thousands of patients in the Kaiser-Permanente database. What they found was profound evidence that early childhood trauma that involves Chronic, Unpredictable Toxic Stress (CUTS) is directly correlated with the occurrence of autoimmune diseases and other diseases beginning usually in the individual’s 40s. I experienced this myself – 2 years ago I was diagnosed with Churg-Strauss syndrome, a rare form of vasculitis in which my body generates antibodies that destroy epithelium in my small and mid-size blood vessels. My ACEs score was 5 out of 10, which is quite extreme. The results of the ACEs study showed that the higher the ACE score, the more likely the person will experience severe, often autoimmune disease later in life. And if the score is over 4, your life will likely be shortened by at least 10 years.

This all sounds very grim, but becoming aware of this has been a real gift for me. It’s only when you understand yourself and accept yourself exactly the way you really are can you heal and have the best possible shot at fulfilling your true, full potential in life. The mindfulness practice and yoga have helped immensely in learning to forgive myself. I’m so grateful for Sharon Salzberg’s teachings. Sure, the work is painful, but it is so worth it.

So how to heal from CUTS? According to Nakazawa, the number one most helpful therapy is meditation! I must have been aware of this on some level intuitively because I started yoga and mindfulness meditation about a year before I read her book. My autoimmune disease is very mildly active and my doctor and I are hoping it will subside on it’s own. I’m convinced that yoga and meditation, and practicing self-care (which is really foreign to me) will get me there.

There is so much more I want to write. Hopefully I will soon.

Toxic stress from childhood trauma causes obesity, too

These studies were pretty robust in the late 1990s. Why is this only getting attention now?

ACEs Too High

HBO’s four-part series, “The Weight of the Nation”, says a lack of exercise, genetics, an overabundance of sugar and food marketing cause 78 million Americans to be obese and morbidly obese. But HBO missed something significant — the link between obesity and adverse childhood experiences. For millions of people, it’s more important than all the rest.

More than six million obese and morbidly obese people are likely to have suffered physical, sexual and/or verbal abuse during their childhoods, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention’s ACE Study. It’s likely that millions more can point to other types of childhood trauma – including loss of a parent through divorce, living with an alcoholic parent or a mentally ill family member – or other traumatic experiences such as rape or assault — as a starting point for their weight gain.

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Orchid People, Orchid Science

As a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP), introvert and INFP, I have been familiar with the Orchid vs. Dandelion theory of temperament since 2009, when David Dobbs wrote about it for The Atlantic. The basic idea of this theory is that children who are genetically prone to being highly sensitive, like an orchid, are highly sensitive to their environment, and require special nurturing and great care in order to blossom. If they don’t get this special nurturing, they can fail to thrive. Dandelion children are far more hardy by nature – they can thrive in a wide variety of environments.

The above video, however, shows that orchids in nature are very adaptable indeed. And I believe that the intricate, beautiful ways these flowers flourish are just as representative of the way orchid people use their often brilliant imaginations and intelligence to adapt to a vast array of environments and thrive. In western culture, HSPs are often challenged as being weak, and introverts as being too quiet, decidedly to their disadvantage. However, once HSPs and like minded types find their niche, they can really become something very special and beautiful in ingenious ways that are often mysterious to others.

On Shame, Vulnerability, Self-Acceptance and Living Life to the Fullest

Poet/philosopher David Whyte’s poem/essay on why we must accept our vulnerability in order to live a full life reminded me of Brene Brown’s YouTube video on vulnerability and SHAME. Shame and vulnerability are very dirty words in our lovely culture. But what David Whyte and Brene Brown trying to get across here is that coming to terms with our own vulnerability is necessary for a well-lived life. It’s necessary for creativity. Shame is called “the swampland of the soul.” We need to put on our galoshes and find our way around. She entitled her latest book Daring Greatly after she read this passage by Theodore Roosevelt:

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; . . . who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly.”—Theodore Roosevelt

Brene Brown’s ultimate thesis here is that EMPATHY is the antidote to SHAME.

Remember all the hype about oxytocin, the “cuddle”hormone? Well, as much as it is released by our nervous systems when we cuddle with someone we love, thus reinforcing this behavior as pleasurable, it has a dark side too. The same hormone also encourages revulsion towards those who are DIFFERENT. Human beings have evolved to make instantaneous decisions based on what another human being or animal looks like in order to survive, so why do we not acknowledge this as part of our instinctive behavior now? Because the implications of it would be very uncomfortable for us. Morality dictates that we overcome or suppress these basic instincts, and not to do so is shameful. Shame is an incredibly powerful negative force in our world. It has it’s place in our behavioral lexicon, for sure, but it can’t be sat with too long, because then it could really infect our psyches, just the way a common cold could turn into pneumonia if not nipped in the bud. It is so critical to teach our children the place that shame has in controlling our behavior, and be sure that we communicate that their misdeed was wrong without ever making them feel ashamed of their entire selves. Children will automatically assume the second because that’s just part of their instinctive thinking.

Our instinctive behavior is to shun those outside of our tribe and favor those who are in our tribe, who have strong blood or historical ties to one another. We are still these instinctive beings and our actions are driven by these instincts on a daily basis, without giving it any conscious thought. And that’s the first thing we have to become aware of. It’s not comfortable to acknowledge that our behavior is driven by primitive instincts that we have no conscious control over. Our history is absolutely loaded with the gruesomeness we’ve subjected our fellow human beings to in the name of eradicating our own shame about our own basic instincts. We’re afraid that by acknowledging these traits and owning them, we will reveal ourselves to be the uncivilized people we are. Actually, it’s the opposite – by acknowledging the truth about ourselves, we gain the tools we need to improve our lives. When we continue to refuse to own these instincts, we propagate our own shame so that it continues to build up within us, which drives a very vicious cycle. On the level of civilization, this cycle seems only to be broken temporarily by war – by obliterating civilization completely. Once the volcano of war has erupted and wreaked it’s violent, merciless havoc, new life eventually springs up. And with it, the seeds of more divisiveness and violence. This is why it’s so important to embrace our sense of shame and vulnerability, so we can turn the tide away from violence and toward accepting ourselves for who we are. This is the basis of peace.